#28-Shut up, Stephen Colbert. You’re gonna ruin it for the rest of us!!
Dwayne Johnson would make the perfect President, the one that actually brings us together as a nation. Because, seriously, who DOESN’T love The Rock?! He’s the jabroni-beatin,’ pie-eatin,’ trailblazin,’ eyebrow-raisin’ People’s Champ! I had a 6 foot poster on my bedroom door of him wearing nothing but a thong and his championship belt when I was 16–18 years old and had certain thoughts about him…..
Also, if anyone threatens the U.S. of A., he will NOT hesitate to put the smack down on ALL of their rooty-poo candy asses.
Ok, some housekeeping items before we move on: I would like to address the public regarding the current and awful allegations I have faced in the media of late. NO, I did not day drink hard kombucha, wash the side of my house, and lip sync 1990’s Brittany Spears while doing the robot dance in my garage today. I’m a sophisticated woman and don’t act that way, ever. Frankly, I’m offended at the accusations and the LIAR that brought these stories to the public will be sanctioned appropriately and disallowed TWO WHOLE rant sessions while doing community service rubbing my feet. I wish the punishment were less harsh. It’s not up to me, though. Justice is blind. Right? 🤷🏻♀️ (Wrong)
………And yes, Celine. The heart WILL go on (she sang into her Kroger brand mango-pineapple popsicle, right before the invisible crowd went wild).
Ok, back to business.
So, I’m still a believer in the whole we-live-in-a-simulation theory, but I scared myself watching this movie called Bliss on Amazon, so I have to be careful not to uncover the truth TOO quickly. Slow and steady wins the race. 🐢……….🐢…………🐢
What evidence do I have to support my conclusions? Well, dear Watson, listen up closely………
What were we talking about? This tincture is amaze-balls.
Oh yeah, simulations. I think we are running Earth 21.0.2 and it’s like getting slow and laggy, acting all self-destructive and being ridiculously susceptible to viruses since we didn’t trust the information from a different part of the data card, the data is way outdated, etc. We really need to get with the times and upgrade to Earth 21.0.3 so we can operate without all the glitches. Plus, I hear the new version will have unicorns.
Seriously, this outdated version keeps reverting back to old forms of logic like we are using Atari but we have already evolved to the Xbox. Maybe we did like the simplicity of Atari because it was status quo and easy to understand and remember how to play. But……..there’s much more new data to suggest that smarter algorithms can be created and games can be better than they’ve ever been! So upgrade today, for the low, low price of $4.20!
Additional evidence of simulation: epilepsy. Seizures are not medical issues. These are obviously data uploads to the more advanced and intelligent of us all.
Also, the internal fan is obviously slowing down and the bottom is all hot. And sometimes it makes this weird noise when you lean a little to the right.
The data that corrupts our programming does so because of its age, stubborn rejection of change and overuse, which will all be rendered unnecessary with the upgrade. We’re going to need a data wipe of archaic and illogical content to clean up our memory card so that we are receptive to the update. Easy. Peezy.
I swear by all that is skunky, you guys, if you mess up me getting a unicorn after typing the nerdiest crap I’ve ever said to you because you’re not ok with change, you can just hop right into the recycle bin until I can permanently delete your file 😡😡😡😡😤😤😤😤😭😭😭😭
***Side note: Did you know that it’s important to conserve water EVEN IF you live in a wet climate?? This article simultaneously pissed me off and infected me with just enough guilt to make me decide to cut back on my baths. Being a good person is NOT easy and I’m ready for a break and a Kombucha brewsky.
Sampai Jumpa!
