Oh boy, do I have a present for you, reader.
And it’s not even a paper product! What is it? You ask as you wait patiently near your flaccid stocking, mourning alongside your wallet where your credit card is still crying from the weekend’s events. Can someone turn the government off and back on so that we can get our damned stimulus checks already? I’ve got bills to pay. But, I digress. You were asking me what your present was.
Why it’s My Condensed Life Story, of course!
Ok, so, without further ado, I present to you: My life story in 722 words
I was born but a wee lass in the early 80’s to a smart dude and an even smarter lady in a frigid, cold American land. First came love, then came marriage, and I was the second-baby in that carriage. (Always gotta have a “practice kid” before the good one, right?
) We moved to the Pacific Northwest, where my lifelong love/hate relationship with the weather began.
I grew up as much of an introverted nerd as I am now. And let’s be clear: I was a nerd BEFORE it was cool (or lucrative, for that matter). For example-My brother and I used to always beg our parents to go to this comic book store called “Y-Not Magazine.” It was a win/win because if they said no, we got to moan in a whiny voice at them, “Aaawww, but WHY NOT?” And then we laughed and laughed and laughed…
Yep, I was hilarious even back then.
We would collect our comic books with glee (I was always partial to the X-Men for its multiple female heroines). Then we would go home and play on the ORIGINAL Nintendo system. Usually Super Mario Brothers, occasionally some Krash Bandicoot, sometimes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and yes, I’ll admit, a few times we rented The Little Mermaid game from Blockbuster. I never did beat that damned Ursula, though…
Fast forward (ok, reader, I want you to think of this as like a verbal montage, and in the background, you hear the song “ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.”)~I graduated high school with a desire to get into criminal justice. My comic books had some badass female role models-of course; I wanted to be a badass too! That career didn’t take, but the trajectory sure molded an interesting personality (despite what Aunt Josephina says). I did a short stint perfecting fingerprint technology using a system that computers very quickly made obsolete, paid $850 to spend a weekend learning how to be a private investigator and quickly forgetting most of it, learned about 1/100th of the skills I would need to be a crime scene investigator, then switched majors to psychology.
I didn’t date much because……….nerd. So I had plenty of time to study.
I worked in social services and continued going to school online (my dad still teases me about having to yell “I am a Phoenix!” With 400+ strangers on graduation day). I lost over 180 pounds from 2005–2010, certain that weight loss was the magic key to curing anxiety, depression, and anything else that ailed me. Spoiler alert! It wasn’t. Apparently, that’s what therapy and perspective are for… Fast forward again. I’m getting bored and a little embarrassed.
Believe it or not, I didn’t start using marijuana until I was about 29–30 years old.
I bought a house, Maui’ed my husband on a beautiful beach, and raised some pretty cool kids until this point. I am still in social services, but now I have the word “Director” in my job title, so, ya know…….. I’m kind of a big deal.
It’s 2020 now, the day after Christmas as I write this (shoutout to those celebrating unity on the first day of Kwanzaa) and I am ready to level up even more in my maturity. I am ready to be an adultier adult. By that, I mean I am ready to admit to my ignorance of some things in this world and actually try to get educated and do better. To be a better human. This inspiration was brought to you tonight by Red Wagon Wheel THC-spiked apple cider and a hotel bathtub.
Santa gave me a night to myself. That beautiful jolly bastard.
I’m starting this adventure by addressing my consumerism and carbon footprint. Because there’s a lot of damned packaging in my living room right now. Listen, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and I won’t be transformed into a responsible, sophisticated and classy woman overnight; I gotta do this shit slowly and pace myself. And maybe stop saying shit so much?
……..Nah, I still gotta be me.
First up: composting! I have a bucket and bio-degradable bags. I have food scraps. I have the will. But will I find de way? Only time will tell. Help keep me honest, reader. I’m trying to save the world here.
Oh yeah, and my favorite color is blue.
The end.
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